Families Day – 15 May – was a great opportunity for people to remember the benefits of being part of family or whānau. It was also a chance to celebrate our strengths and successes, rather than focusing on the doom and gloom, and an opportunity to remind us all that families matter.
Families Day is based on a resolution from the United Nations General Assembly to promote the importance of families and the issues relating to them. This year, the UN focus for Families Day was mothers.
To mark Families Day 2009, we wanted to learn more about the role of mothers in New Zealand today.
Significantly more respondents reported having 2 children than any other number.
Relatively few respondents reported having a child under 1 year of age.
Q3: What, in your opinion, is the most satisfying thing about being a mother?
Couch members reported taking satisfaction from a range of aspects of motherhood.
A key theme was the love mums felt for their children.Having a cuddle from my daughter or having her say something funny which makes me laugh out loud.
The kids’ unconditional love for me as their mum. They don’t care what I look like, or if I’ve had a grumpy day, they will still forgive my failings and give their love to me freely.
Being surrounded by love, cuddles, laughter.
The love they give you, and that you feel for them.
Other mums reported enjoying watching their children grow, develop and learn.Watching my child grow confidence in her abilities and in her own ability to reason and problem solve. Also, listening to her tell stories is right up there.
Watching them evolve into real people with their own personalities & interests.
Watching my kids grow into wonderful little human beings, and being part of that process.
My kids aren’t perfect, but neither am I, and I love the growth we’ve all gone through, and will continue to go through. Life is certainly different with kids.
Sharing in my son’s every moment and seeing the look on his face as he learns to do something new and discover the world.
Everything about my children! I love them to bits, and enjoy seeing them develop into confident, polite young people. I am so proud of their achievements and who they are.
Still others reported just enjoying the simple pleasures of spending time with their children.Spending time with my kids.
The quiet times just relaxing with the kids.
Innocent and simple joys – playing games together and having a picnic in front of the fire on a rainy day. You don’t have to work hard to impress them, just spend time with them.
Q4: Tell us about your proudest achievement as a mother.
Another theme which came up in answers to Question 3 was the pride many mums felt for their kids – a subject explored more specifically in Question 4.
Some mothers were simply proud of their children and of their motherhood generally.Being a mother is something to be proud of every single day.
Bringing him into the world.
Raising my kids – that’s the best achievement of all.
It’s just as simple as seeing my boy laugh and smile every day, and knowing that he goes to bed warm, clean, fed and well loved.
Others mentioned specific milestones in their children’s lives.Teaching my child how to read.
Helping them with each milestone i.e. walking, talking etc.
Successfully navigating the baby years and seeing all of my kids make a happy transition to school.
My eldest son’s graduation from university last year.
When my daughter gave birth to a baby girl – so proud of her (because) she did so well!
In a similar vein, many mums took pride in their childrens’ achievements…When my oldest completed her first weetbix tryathalon this year.
When she decided to learn to read in German (my native language) and pursued this aim despite many evenings of frustration and slow progress.
When my daughter passed her NCEA level 1 with 150 credits.
When my autistic son started talking.
When my son won his school cross country by a mile!
When he decided to learn ballet and stuck to his decision despite being hassled by his peers for doing so. He is very good at it, enjoys it immensely and is secure enough in himself not to care about his friends’ attitudes.
…and in their children’s values, compassion and behaviour. One day we were at the beach and someone’s two year old waded into the water and was going deeper when her mother wasn’t looking – my seven year old son was in the water playing, dropped the toy he had and dashed to her aid and led her to the shore.
Years of working hard to raise my son well pay off when I look at him, or others comment, on how friendly, sociable, well behaved, and lovely he is. I am proud and satisfied to see him developing well.
There’s so many – I have an awesome son! One recent one is when I was rushing around getting ready for the day (making beds, tidying the bathroom etc) and when my son grumped at me that he wanted his toast, I explained that I was busy in the morning with lots of jobs to do and he would have to patient. Once he’d finished eating his cereal he came into the kitchen and asked if there was anything he could do to help me! I love getting little reminders that he’s on the right road for turning into a well rounded, caring man.
When I see my daughters do selfless acts of love by their own initiative. Like, seeing my three year old daughter help her little sister with something – putting on her shoes or feeding her breakfast.
This morning my five year old was ‘teaching’ his three year old brother to read – this had been going on unsuccessfully for quite a while. He pointed to a word and asked his brother what it was. His brother told him (more by repetition than any actual ability to read the word). Five year old said “Yes. Well done!” and gave his little brother a hug. Growing great kids is worth all the effort.
Finally, many mothers took pride in their own personal achievements.Continuing to cope with family life, my job, and running our household. That is my proudest achievement every day.
Putting a paddling pool with a gazebo up by myself with instructions written in another language!
Homeschooling! It was a scary decision but definitely a great one.
Never smacking my kids.
I am not a certified teacher, but being able to teach my child how to count in 4 different languages and know the alphabet at the age of 3 would be one of my proudest achievements.
Most respondents were in paid work of some form, although almost one quarter (23%) reported that their partner was the sole income earner in the household.
While most respondents in the “Other” category reported being on some form of benefit – including the DPB, invalids’ benefit, and so on – there were some who mentioned other domestic arrangements, such as a family member other than their partner being the main income earner, or having independent means.
More than 60% of mothers reported being the primary provider of childcare.
The “Other” group was particularly large for this question. Some mothers described their childcare arrangements in the context of separated parenting and use of out of school services; others reported having older or even adult children who no longer required care. Some of the latter group, however, mentioned that they were now looking after their grandchildren.
69% of mothers reported doing most or all of the housework in their household.
“Other” respondents commonly mentioned that their children also had a role in doing household chores; several also mentioned the input of other family members, or using paid housekeepers.
Q8: Who is your number 1 support person? By this we mean who is it that helps you to be a great mum?
The most common responses to this question were “my husband” and “my partner”. Other mums said that their own parents (especially their own mothers) were their number 1 support person, while other said that this person was a close friend or friends. Several respondents described either “God” or “Jesus Christ” as their number 1 support person. Some others said that either they had no number 1 support person, or that they were their own number 1 support person.
More than half of respondents reported spending 30 hours per week or fewer in paid employment.
Nearly three quarters of respondents reported spending more than 30 hours per week with their children.
Most respondents (71%) reported spending fewer than 16 hours per week on housework.
This is particularly interesting in light of the responses to question 7 – with 69% of respondents reporting that they did most or all of the housework.
Half of all respondents reported getting 5 hours per week or fewer to themselves.
Q13: Is there anything you would like to change about how you spend your time? E.g. less time spent on housework, more time to yourself, etc?
Perhaps unsurprisingly, given the answers to Question 12, many respondents said they would like more time for themselves.
I would love to spend more time on myself but the reality of having a busy family life, especially with infants, means that it is Mum who is the last one to get looked after. I know it will pass as my little one gets older.
I would like more time for myself but the pressure of rising prices and the fact my partner faces redundancy means that I will have to spend more time working and less time doing for myself and family. Given the choice I would like time to retrain for another career.
It would be nice to get some more time to myself but that will happen one day I guess.
I’d gladly give up the housework and swap it for leisure activities such as painting, going for walks & other exercise, time in the garden, reading a book… I feel a desperate need for some ‘ME’ time.
Less time spent on saving the world and more on creative writing, running and playing my flute.
If we had a lot of money I would have a housekeeper and a gardener but not a nanny, spending time with my kids is a privilege (when other stressors aren’t intruding).
I would have liked to have spent more time with [my son] & less working & running our home.
Less time at work and more time just relaxing with my daughter.
Definitely more time for myself but also I’d like time with my son where I don’t need to also be doing chores / cooking etc.
I would love to spend more time with my children.
Wanting more time for exercise was a common theme.
Less time travelling, more time for exercise and relaxation.
Find time to exercise regularly.
I’d like time for exercise when it is not dark. There’s just no time in between work, childcare, cooking, washing and cleaning.
More time with my husband as a couple.
Have more time with my husband and I without the kids.
My husband and I spend very little time together alone.
More time with my partner.
I would like to have more time to spend with my friends.
I would love to get out of the house to go to the movies or catch up with friends once in a while.
Would love to be able to spend less time with housework.
Less time with housework, chores and study.
I would like to leave my job, and spend all my time caring for my daughters.
Less time with housework, chores and study.
Less time cooking, cleaning and supermarket shopping.
Fewer hours at my workplace.
Pretty well balanced.
No – we made a decision that I would stay home with the children and my husband would work, and we don’t regret that decision at all.
No, I can choose what I do with my time.
There is always a balance. Mothers can organise their time to get the housework done and make time for crafts, gardening, visiting etc.
No. We have chosen to home educate our children which means that I have little time without them, but I am very happy with that.
I am happy to have less time to myself as I would rather invest my time and energy into my children while they are young.
Life is perfect.
The way she made me believe I could do anything made me feel good about myself, confident with good self-esteem.
She was very loving – and a great great cook and sew-er.
She was always there for us. She taught us all the things we need to know to run our own homes. She loved us. My Father and us kids were her no. 1 priority.
Having now experienced the usual fatigues of motherhood and how all consuming that can be I am AMAZED at my Mum’s patience and strength with us kids.
Her commitment to me.
My mum worked full time and looked after us kids with little or no help from my dad. She is a legend!
The way she gave up her food to make sure that us kids had enough to eat.
That she was there, at home every day we came home from school. She got up every morning well before us to have our breakfast ready, lunches made and see us off for the day.
Her sacrifices for us. She did the best she could.
Her contribution to our preschool years and early childhood, being available to us as very young children by not working. I don’t do this – not just because of money, but because it is very hard work.
Not close- doesn’t apply.
Mother was very abusive – left when I was 10yrs [old]. [The] best thing she did was leave- [I] have nothing to do with her now.
Sadly I cannot think of anything. I was a boarding school girl and really didn’t have much time with my mother in a daughter mother relationship.
I’m estranged from my mother, and don’t know how to answer this.
I had a traumatic childhood. I learnt a lot of things from my mother about what not to do.
More positively, some respondents told us about the importance of the skills and knowledge their mothers passed on to them.She taught me to knit and manage well on very limited income.
The housekeeping/cookery knowledge she passed onto me.
Learning from watching her how to be a mother and housewife (as she was).
She taught us to cook, do housework, our own washing – she (and Dad because they worked as a team) gave me the skills and experiences that gave me the confidence to go overseas at 19 years old, and to build a stable marriage and have children of my own.
Teaching me things at an early age.
Finally, some Couch members said they appreciated the values their mothers instilled.She was a Christian.
Her example of caring, commitment, values and tenacity.
Her desire to always get us to take responsibility and be truthful.
She taught me manners.
Her strong sense of responsibility.
That she raised me right with proper values.
For teaching me values, like honesty and kindness.
Her morality – I have a very clear sense of right and wrong, without being overzealous or judgemental of others with regards to this.
Q15: Is there anything you would like to tell us about motherhood? For example, do you have any advice for new or expectant mothers?
This question solicited a broad range of passionate responses – far too many to print here in full.
Some mothers told us about their experiences of motherhood, and their concerns.When I had my first child I had no idea how much sacrifice of my own life was going to be involved in raising children. I certainly feel I would have had a much different life had I not had children, however I would not trade my children for that more exciting life. It’s great to be loved by them and to love them back and life without them would be very empty.
I am concerned too that childhood itself is being lost in the headlong rush to push children into academic achievement at the cost of their more core needs, such as security, creativity and imagination.”
I think the important thing is wanting to have children and enjoy being with them, not being a “mother”. The women I see who are most disappointed in motherhood are the ones who expected society or people to treat them differently once they achieved the exhalted status of “mother”.
STOP giving parents advice. There is so much out there telling us how to parent – teach people instead to follow their instincts. We are constantly told what we SHOULD be doing: what we should feed our kids, what we should teach them, how we should discipline them, how we should reduce their carbon footprint, how we should educate them – give us the praise you tell us to give our kids.
It’s such a shame that being a full time mother and carer is such an undervalued “job” in society. Mothers should have a choice about staying home or working. Those who choose to stay home should be valued and supported for that decision!
Others simply reported how rewarding motherhood was – or how difficult.It is an awesome privilege and responsibility to be gifted with children, but it is hard work, and never ending and worth giving all your heart to.
This is the hardest job you’ll ever do!!!
Motherhood is the highest calling in life.
What could be a more important vocation than seeking and working to raise a new human being to be a positive, maturing, contributing member of society who does not think less of themselves but thinks of themselves less.
Motherhood is the most difficult yet rewarding job a woman will ever have.
Some mothers responded with specific advice…Don’t rush back to work – they grow so quick! And the bond you build now will be the bond that gets you through future tough times.
Learn about good nutrition and start eating properly. It has a large influence on the baby’s future health.
Get out of an abusive relationship until your “partner” shapes up!
Take photos…of all your children!
…while others offered more general tips.A parent gave me advice before having children, the 3 F’s – firm, fair and fun. I use this method, and it works well.
Don’t read too many books beforehand – there is no one perfect way to raise a child.
Take things one step at a time.
Enjoy every moment with your child/ren. Ask for and accept help. Take time for yourself and also your partner. Having an immaculate house isn’t as important as spending time with your child/ren. Have fun with them.
Listen to all advice and make your own decisions
Don’t try to be a super mum – everyone tells you that, and still, 10 years later, I struggle to accept it, wanting to be and do it all: – corporate consultant; soccer mum; helping my husband in his business; attending every school function; and doing most of the housework, whilst ensuring every meal is nutritious and balanced.
My #1 piece of advice – TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!! (and nod, and smile politely when well-meaning people give you LOADS of unasked for advice!)
Think hard before turning down offers of help. Build up a good network of friends who you can call on from time to time.
Conclusions
As could be expected, the broad range of mothers who answered this poll had an equally diverse range of views and experiences to report – with opinions on motherhood ranging from it being the most difficult experience, to the most rewarding experience, and everything in between.
Most of the mothers in this poll reported being in some form of paid employment; however most mothers also reported doing most or all of the childcare and housework in their household. Without comparative data for this sample it’s difficult to identify a trend, but it appears that despite typically making a contribution to household income, mothers are not necessarily being relieved of their “traditional” roles.
It is therefore not surprising that most of the mums in our survey reported having little time to themselves – and while many of them said they’d like more of their own time, a number also said they would like to spend more personal time with their children. A common theme was that motherhood represented a significant sacrifice – but also offered significant rewards.
Thank you to all of those who participated in this poll – your answers will be used to feed in to our ongoing advocacy for families. We are working to ensure that parents are valued and acknowledged by society, and that all parents and caregivers get the support they need. In particular, we are advocating for better paid parental leave provisions for New Zealand families, and we believe that the results of this poll back up our existing research on this issue: that quality time with children is an investment that benefits all aspects of society!
