The results of this poll explore the general issues Couch members had if and when they separated from their partners.
We wanted to find out where Couch members went for support during separation: legally, financially and emotionally; and we asked how parents came to agreements with regard to the day-to-day care of their children. Several respondents shared some personal experiences of their separation.
The Families Commission supports long term stable relationships, but acknowledges that some relationships end. When that happens, it is important for the continued wellbeing of children (and their parents) that adults separate in a way that continues the effective parenting relationship (with each other and their children) even if the love relationship has ended.
This research will help the Commission’s advocacy for improved access by separating parents to information and support that will help them negotiate separation while maintaining their parenting relationship for the wellbeing of their children.
A total of 489 Couch members completed this poll with 24 percent of the respondents male, and 76 percent female. Respondents ranged in age from 23 to 74, with an average of 47. Twenty-two respondents identified as Maori, 349 as New Zealand European, 36 as having multiple ethnicities, three as Samoan, Chinese, or Indian, one as Niuean or Tongan and 71 as “other”. Fifteen percent of the respondents were living in a rural area and 85 percent in an urban area. On average there were three or more people living within one household with the range from one to 11 occupants per house.
71 % of the Couch members have had a separation with the majority of those separations having affected children.
More than three quarters of the respondents had supported a close friend or family member through separation.
Q3: Jack and Jill have decided to separate after 10 years of marriage. They have two children.
Where would you suggest that Jack and Jill go for information about separating their finances?
The majority of respondents felt it necessary to obtain information about separating finances from a neutral third party. Most people sought advice from, or recommended getting advice/information from, financial advisors, banks, laywers, accountants, the Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB), IRD, WINZ, community support groups such as Barnardos, and churches.
Some respondents, however, warned against some of these options. In particular, some felt very strongly that people should not seek advice or information from laywers.
went to lawyers and it cost a fortune.
Once lawyers get involved they will end up with next to nothing anyway. Lawyers milk the system and can and do provide bad advice that disadvantages the parties
Avoid lawyers if they want to protect anything of a working parental relationship into the future
Think again, put the best interests of their children first, and stay together.
friends and family
talk to people who’ve been through it and can help them avoid pitfalls
Talk to people who have done that before to learn about pros and cons of each approach.
Friends/family who have been through the process
A family type conference that involves parties from both sides, as this ensures that if there is a weaker party . . . the outcome is more likely to be fair.
Avoid friends’ advice as it is taken from their own experience and often conflicting or not appropriate for your own circumstances.
Not to family, as this can make it harder. They should seek independent advice from a family counsellor. Through the courts or yellow pages.
There are some good books in the library. One that stuck out for me was ‘Suddenly Solo’.
Websites of government departments can have useful information.
Do copious amounts of research on the internet, using search engines, and think outside the square when putting in ‘search criteria’.
www.sorted.org.nz
Contact the Family Court Counselling coordinator.
Their own lawyers and The Family Court, with the same organisations brought in for support if there is hostility/reluctance on the part of either party.
The Family Court offers 6 free sessions on counselling. They can facilitate a healthy dialogue between Jack and Jill.
The Family Court provides information and counselling. There is a programme called parenting through separation. If required the Family Court can grant parenting orders to legalise a child’s living arrangements. These are a lot more flexible than the old custody orders.
Other respondents recommended counselling services to get more information and/or to make their own arrangements for the care of their children.
Unless Jill or Jack is going to be a beneficiary – work it out together. Sit down and talk about what they would like to see happen and agree what would be best for THE CHILDREN and then what would be best for them as parents. If they can’t work it out then they should seek help from a counsellor first and the Family Court as a final resort.
Maybe some sort of psychological/counselling service that focuses on families or, more specifically, the needs of the child.
Union of Fathers, Family First, Qualified Independent Mediator
their church, if they have one
Barnardos is also helpful.
Christian Counsellor or Church Pastor.
daycare centre or school
Barnardos runs a parenting through Separation course funded by MoJ free for participants – highly regarded and most effective to put the emphasis on the welfare of the child/ren through this stressful and emotionally charged time.
Their Family and Friends
Its impractical but I have to say: the children, because nobody else looks out for them.
There is no one that offers impartial advice.
Family and friends who know the children and family
Talk to the children depending on their age and talk to friends and family and/or counselling
Try to speak to the children themselves, together as a family that has problems with the parents. Children are more resourceful when they are included in the decision making that can change their lives drastically.
Meet with immediate whanau for support with caring for the children to support the balance for the children to have access to both parents. Grandparents (for example) can support looking after children when there will be times one of the parents are away at work or a place where one of the parents can stay while the children are there
No idea
I wouldn’t know where to suggest to go.
I don’t really know to be honest.
Their Family and Friends
friends who have been through similar circumstances
a couple of close family members or friends (not just one or you wear them out)
Counselling at school for the children
if you are lucky enough to have a supportive school network, let the teachers or guidance counsellor know about the changes that the children will be facing and to keep an discreet and confidential eye on them when the children are at school
advise your direct report at work so that they are aware and possibly they may be able to provide support like adjustment of work loads, time off or if performance if really suffering, they may able to provide employer assisted programme counselling
GP
EAP services if available through their employers
Not the IRD…......the system they have at the moment is in no way a fair system for the paying parent
It doesn’t happen. IRD will TELL Jack how much he has to pay. This is one area that needs much attention.
The best support will come from both parents actively sharing in the parenting of THEIR children.
Sort it out themselves if they are able to
Three quarters of the respondents thought Jack would be required to make child support payments through the IRD.
In reality, an agreement involving IRD is only required if the custodial parent intends to claim a domestic purposes benefit. However, other research by the Families Commission indicates that some couples choose to use the IRD formula for working out child support payments even when IRD is not officially involved.
The majority of respondents indicated that there is no relationship between the amount of child support Jack pays and the regularity that he can see his children.
More than 40 percent of respondents said they did not have enough information to help them decide what to do.
Q10: As a separated parent, what type of information would you have liked more of, and from whom?
A wide variety of comments were received with a lot of replies suggesting that many people didn’t know what services were available.
What services ARE available
Knowing where I could access some personal counselling & budget services
It would have been a HUGE bonus to go to a website called something like SEPARATED.GOVT.NZ which would have had everything that needed to be considered when you separate with kids. I ended up trawling all sorts of different sites to find out what I needed to know and only after certain events happened. The added complication of separating overseas didn’t help.
Information on where to go to get advice
where to go for help a more holistic approach from
I had no idea where I could access information on how to be a single working parent.
Other respondents raised the need for affordable or free legal and financial assistance.
Legal and financial advice – without worrying about the cost
Free legal advice
Mainly about finances; what I was entitled to from ex partner and how to split up property”
FREE legal advice from family lawyers who specialize in this area.
Info on how to manage child’s grief
I would have liked someone to talk to about how the teenage children were coping as in hindsight they weren’t at all.
more personal support
relationship counselling or services that provided emotional support for the children and parents undergoing separation.
I would have liked more information on free counselling services. I would have liked to have more free counselling information available for my ex.
Would like to have seen more information and support available for the second family, including how to deal with blended family issues
I was a bit frustrated with the slowness of the changeover between government departments
The fact that the process takes so long.
It took three months to get my first child support payment because of the system, it is not good enough when you are going through emotional stuff to have worry about money as well.
A couple of mothers wanted information on separating whilst pregnant.
Because we separated while I was still pregnant I would have liked more information regarding this.
Counselling services to deal with pregnancy while separated
I would have appreciated some advice (and support) for fathers about to be separated from their children and what rights they have re access.
I would have liked to know how the ‘family’ ‘court’ routinely takes weeks or quite possibly many months to set up hearings for fathers to officially complain to a judge about his visitation (they insensitively call it access like you’re some prisoner) being sabotaged by ex-wife.
Unbiased information for fathers – not “oh she’ll get the kids because she’s the mother and that’s the way it goes, so suck it up
There needs to be more emotional support, especially for men. Somewhere they can go easily and get help so they don’t do something stupid. Women are more likely to turn to their family or friends, men often have no where to turn that they feel comfortable. A peer support group for men similar to how AA works would be great and I think prevent some of the crime that is related to separation.
easier understanding of child support amount – IRD site factual but hard to work through
support from IRD to make reductions in the child support costs
Information about child support
I would like more information on the process of child support and how the IRD come to the final amount that the paying parent is required to pay. This needs to come from IRD
An honest answer to where the money goes to that is paid in child support e.g. what is taken off in administration charges and to off-set DPB (if applicable)
My main comment would be that our systems are, by and large, designed for stay-at-home parents or low income families. As a middle income, full-time single parent there is much less of a support system
In Australia it is much fairer in that the earner has to prove how much he earns and child support is based on that and collected through the employer – so non payment is not an option.
There appears to be little understanding of the father’s experience, in my case I was stereotyped but in reality played a role more traditional of the wife, this must be more common in today’s environment where roles tend to be shared. Having to ‘leave’ the family home left me financial(ly worse off) restricting my ability to have access to the children to care for their emotional needs….leaving me homeless and without money
Most of your questions stumped me. I have very little idea about where parents can go for help, initially or down the line.
New Zealand’s child support system should be working harder towards keeping families together
The most frustrating bureaucratic aspect of being a separated parent has been arranging family support through WINZ (worst) and IRD (mostly pretty good) when transitioning from DPB, to part-time and full-time work. . . . I remembered how incredibly frustrating and exhausting it is receiving bills for ‘overpaid’ family support that then turned out to be a clerical error, or when the overpayment was real enough but was due to a WINZ or IRD oversight. Aside from personal relationship issues, I would have to say that those experiences (sorting out entitlements such as family support with WINZ and IRD) were the most emotionally and financially demoralizing.
I believe that separated parents who communicate well and both have the children’s best interests at heart should be supported and encouraged to maintain voluntary financial agreements whenever possible. I have known separated couples who have become antagonistic only after IRD has become involved in their child support arrangements.
If a parent falls into penalties in Child support this should become part of their credit history and prevent them from going overseas as other non payments can e.g. traffic fines.
We were lucky not to have used the system as we both continued to work full time post-split and so never needed this arrangement. I think if we had had to look at the child support system then it would have put a far greater strain on our (post-split) relationship.
The child support system is lacking. Severely. Yes, the IRD assess child support liability on ‘income’. But it is extremely easy for business owners ( such as my ex husband) to hide their income. They take a minimal income, then the business ‘pays’ for their major household expenses, car, fuel etc
Trying to answer the above questions has shown me how little I know about how to deal with these issues and where to turn for help should the circumstance ever occur.
Conclusion
As can be expected there is a wide range of experiences and opinions from The Couch members regarding what is best for parents, children and whānau during parental separation. In some cases respondents directly disagreed with each other as in the debate on whether or not to involve lawyers. While a majority supported seeking professional legal help, a significant minority cautioned against this. Some said IRD involvement helped but others said using government agencies made their situation worse.
However, some common themes emerged which are useful for other parents facing similar separation issues.
Most respondents emphasised the need to:
• set aside adult animosity and put the needs of children first;
• maintain the parenting relationship even if the love relationship has ended;
• seek advice early from different sources then make a decision that’s best for you and your family;
• put support around you and your children, whether that is whānau, family, friends or professional organisations, or combinations of these.
